Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official drugs can't kill me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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