I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She even gives head with a lisp.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
