yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
