I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
