Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just gift wrapped bread.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You ruined the universe
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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