apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
