I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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