her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
