god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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