there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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