I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
