trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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