i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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