My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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