you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
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Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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