if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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