ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
