while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want her autograph on my taint
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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