I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
