I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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