I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
