Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
