When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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