i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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