this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
