I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
