No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
