If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
