this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
