Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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