I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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