At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
