The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
