just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
