last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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