My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
