my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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