if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
birth control should be required to get into college
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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