She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
