i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish you could order shots online.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Drake has all the answers
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
