Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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