Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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