i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
