drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
