Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
