Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
