Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
