brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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