i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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