is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
