My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
