I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
