I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
