I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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