Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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