Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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