This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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